The Next Journey

I have never been anything other than a student. So I don't really know what I am going to do when I don't get ahead by studying every night. How does one become successful at a career? Or at life? I have never really had to worry about it until now.

I guess the first step would be to buy a good pair of business casual shoes. I'd like to say that shoes are the cause of, and solution to, all of my life's problems. And just as with life, it's hard to pick the problems (shoes that look good but hurt your feet) from the solutions (shoes that look good and are comfortable) sometimes.

But yeah shoes are the way to go.

I am really nervous excited to start my internship. What if I am really bad at what I've devoted the last 3.5 years of school to be able to do? What if I don't really want to help anyone or do anything creative after all.. what if I am just lazy by nature and I don't know it yet. Well I could go on like this for a while but I don't think I will.

I guess all I can do is baaaLEEEVVVV! I think I can only go up from here.

WorldVille

Hurrroooh my fine anonymous viewers (if you're out there, repreSENT!)

It is finals week, and pure magic. For I have one final and I would hardly even categorize it as such. It's gonna be so easy I am basically giving the teacher a final. And it's one he is bound to fail!!! But anyone that's how CRazY I am gonna pass this test. It's gonna be like failing the teacher.

Um so I'm addicted to games that end in 'ville' on facbeook. I used to be like..ohhhh that person.. always sendin me requests. Always sendin me radishes... Always sendin me mafia war threats requests... NOW I AM THAT PERSON. okay not quite- I do not bother those who choose not to partake in said ville games. But I do send quite a few requests to those who dooooo.

Anyway so these two facts coupled together leads me to an exciting new world of entertainment. Letting my real fish die as I feed my animated ones on fishville. Making new animated animal friends on PetVille instead of talking to my real animal friends (what you dont have animal friends?) and letting my farm die as I harvest more animated crops on FarmVille... just kidding I don't have a farm! That would be ridiculous!!!

And suddenly I wished we had a facebook game called worldville where I could get a little animated dude to go do all my real life things for me so I would never have to leave my seat and grow increasingly more obese as my farmville fish were adequately fed and radishes properly grown... yes life would be wonderVille

question

is everyone getting married or something? stop being engaged on facebook its freaking me out.

I want to be an old woman

Lets be honest here, I kind of already am. Sometimes when I think about going to bed early i get so excited I feel like I could die right then and there.

The most fun I have on a Friday is reading by myself with a hot drink and when people call me to go out and drink all night my lips almost utter "darn whippersnappers.."

And I carry around a 20 foot long photo shoot of my grandchildren in my wallet. Well I will anyway. Sometimes I just like sitting quietly alone, pondering life.

I find myself while doing typical young person activities thinking "I am too old for this." Sometimes when I am about do a craft I am so excited I could pee my pants. You know, considering I am 21 none of this really makes sense. So I think at least when I am an old woman my personality can finally be in context. Really it's a just a matter of my body catching up to my soul. Just call me Benjamin Button.

Reeeemiiiixxxxxxxx!

Today while I was watching "So you think you can DANCE?" I was havin a good time. A wonderful christmas time without the christmas. And I was watching these dancers and envying their thighs and back muscles (yeah i don know). Then Sean Paul comes out to do some jama jammin and his dancers are hysterical. I tried to take them seriously. But they were dancing like robots. And then I thought, lets take this a step further. If they were robots, what kind of robots would they be? Human robots? SURELY NOT.

Chicken robots.

So I started picturing them in chicken suits doing the same moves and found myself forgetting how to breathe because I was laughing too hard to remember. And then I seemed to forget how to sit as well for I fell onto the floor. Before I knew it I was flipping the channel giving everything a new chicken suit remix. I have decided one thing. EVERYTHING is hilarious if it is dressed in a chicken suit. And yes, I am taking this theory so far that I am willing to apply it to inanimate objects as well.



So when you come to my blog.. dont think i need to be doin all the work bein the goof ball here. Slap a chicken suit on this bad boy. instant funny.

New Adeventure

I have decided to embark upon the wonderful world of being an entrepreneur. A businesswoman. I have decided that maybe I should try to make money from all the random things I make all day long. I found a quaint little site dedicated to buying and selling handmade products in an attempt to create a world wide movement. Well. I certainly hope if I were to be part of a movement it would be this one. Yes I like the sound of that. Changing the world, one tailored garment, one painted picture frame, one constructed bracelet at a time.



Here's hoping this isn't just one of those things I get really excited about in the beginning stages and swear by the success it will bring me (cough blogging cough). Okay so blogging wasn't unsuccessful. I just ignore it for long periods of time. I think my problem must be that I am far too unwilling to bear my soul to the internet. I enjoy reading the blogs of those who do.. but in the past when I have tried this it has brought a feeling similar to standing naked on a four lane highway. And god. We can't be funny all the time can we? (Maybe we can.)

Just a reminder of who's in charge

So I am sitting in my favorite computer lab. It's 7 AM, and I am racing to finish a paper that is due at 8AM. I am alone. It's silent. It's beautiful. I am one who enjoys some good silence to accompany me with paper writing. I can actually hear myself think. And then in comes boomingly loud girl with moderately loud boy. "HEY DID YOU FINISH IT YET I DIDN'T AND THE WHOLE ROOM SHOULD KNOW." Then boomingly loud girls walk in and start facebook giggling. I'm sorry. Did you really get up at 7 AM to go on facebook with your bff? Get a hold of your life. The only reason it is okay to get up this early is if there is something pressing to accomplish. Clearly I write the rules of the universe everybody, and don't you forget it.

Response to ProfesoraZim

On April 20, 2009 Profesora Zim wrote:

Dear wiz - I have a problem. I have so much school work that I don't care anymore. I hate my job, school, and all I want to do is play with my children and family (including the dog). Did I go back to school too late in life? (and you are the only TRUE wiz in the world!)

ProfesoraZim,

First let me thank you for recognizing the authenticity of my nick name. Truly, I am the only Wiz. It sounds like you're in quite a bind! The use of hate was in your post multiple times. It sounds like you are spreading yourself too thin. On top of this, you're letting yourself forget what matters to you most, and why you went back to school in the first place. You probably went back because you love your job, and you want to keep it. It's just that you are stressed out, and it is hard to remember why you love what you do. All you can see are the bad qualities of your situation, which is understandable.

Every morning, just try to look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself why you're doing this. And if you love your job, remind yourself why you do. Never underestimate the impact that "me" time might have on your job, and quality of life overall. What is the point of writing papers half-assed, when you're too tightly wound to do your best? Don't neglect yourself, and make sure you give yourself even 10 minutes each day to do something you love to do that isn't about work. So that's 1. Remind yourself what you're working for, and 2. Don't feel guilty for having fun and de-stressing. Hope this helps!

Wiz

Hmmmm

You know what? I think it would be fun to have a Dear Abby type of blog. Problem is how do I get something like that established? How do I convince people that its worth their time submitting their problems to a stranger?? I guess the real question here has to do with my future career rather than the blog... But yeah. I'm just saying. It'd be fun.

@#$@#%

Can I just say something here? Of course I can. I spend a good portion of my life being annoyed by people who have their headphones up super loud in the library. Like so loud that it is completely audible to me what they are listening to. Or some people have big ass headphones that they hang around their neck (not even on their ears) to serve as mini speakers. And then, I actually saw this kid walking around WITH speakers on his backpack. WHAT.

So today I walk into the library to print something out quickly. And before I can even log onto my computer, this woman grabs my arm, who, I percieve to be a librarian. "You need to turn that down." She commands me with fire in her eyes. Fine you stupid bitch. I said in my head. Seriously? Am I 12? Don't talk to me like that. I am sorry that your husband now finds you unattractive, and that you ended up working in a university library. And that you have fire in your eyes. That is prob pretty painful to say the least. I'd be pissed too. But that doesn't mean you get to talk to me like my second grade teacher did. (Still have bad memories about her.) Where was mega bitch the day the guy with a speaker was wandering around? Where was she the day I had a 10 page paper to write and Mr. I love gospel just couldn't turn the Jesus-o-meter down a tad. HUH??? And I want to add in that this is a room that people talk in, a lot. It's like a group work room. Not a silent reading room. IT IS A NOISY ROOM.

I do accept that it's possible my headphones were too loud. But say it cordially next time, and DO NOT TOUCH MY ARM. hag.

Mornin!

I really don't have a thing to say right now. I am on my way to my 8 am and saw I hadn't written in some time and thought... hmmm I will write something. But now I am just freaking myself out because I haven't brushed my teeth yet and I am still not wearing shoes and I have to leave in 3 minutes. Yeah I guess that is where this ends.

Hmm.. Spring Break

Spring Break is the bane of my existence for more reasons than one. I am too poor to go on cool trips. And for some reason Penn State missed the boat and made it the week after everyone elses.. so everyone else is too busy having a real life to cater to my boredom.

It's the calm after the storm. For some reason, every week right before Spring Break, my teachers say "oh crap we're behind" and force us to do more than humanly possible. Hey how about spacing it out before Spring Break...? Just a thought.

Spring break is the time that I quit coffee. Yes, I do get a massive headache if I skip my usual morning cup of coffee. I tried this detoxing process yesterday. It resulted in me sitting in my house, miserable, watching the people's court. Quitting a caffeine addiction + not having cable = misery. Just fyi for any of you that feel like giving that one a try.

It's not even spring. I am so cold right now.

That is all.

Think I'll roast some hot dogs over the flame of my BURNOUT

Upon arriving back from DC on Saturday night, I have been living at the library. Yes literally. I pitched a tent and lit the trashcan on fire and roasted some hot dogs. Well, minus the tent. and the trashcan. and the fire. and the library. Okay so I ate a lot of hot dogs this week and that's pretty much it. BUT SERIOUSLY. I CANt STUDY ANYMORE. have you ever seen me use this many caps??? I have been studying and writing papers nonstop since Sunday. Somethin's gotta give. I can't live LIKE this. This is not living at all. It sure as HAAALLEEEE does not help that two teachers stood me up at their office hours. They both had to "step out unavoidably." Suuurreeeeeyadid. aholes. I'm just kidding, I am sure they were telling the truth. They're still aholes. You know why? Because they were not considering number one... aka... ME. What they should have done was come to my apartment and serve me the test answers on a silver platter. WORSTTEACHERSEVER. Pretty sure I have carpul tunnel. At the very least I will probably get it later in life because of all the typing I have done this week. I feel like I am gonna go to the Doc when I am 50. They'll be like
"welll ma'am... did you do...a lot of...typing? When you were 20?"
" DAMNIT."
" And did you eat a lot of hot dogs? "
"Wait a minute how'd you know that??"
"Well I've read your blog daily for 30 years. And memorized it. And hung it all over my bedroom, using your words as wallpaper. Sweet sweet wallpaper words. yeaass. i carry an extra stack in my pocket here see. sometimes when i feel blue i just kind of smell it. and rub it on my arm pits."

clearly my response to stress is creating fictional creepsters. i do this a lot actually. usually in conversations with other people. its even more awkward then than it is now.
but weirdos are always HILARIOUSESSPECIALLYTHEGAYSZYEAHMAKEFUNOFPEOPLE THATARENTLIKEYOUEVERYBODY

so let this be a lesson to you all. show up to yourGODAMNDOFFICEHOURS.

I can't do this

I am trying so very hard to actually write one of six papers due in the next 48 hours. Oh snap. Checked my email. Make that seven (can they DO that??). This weekend kind of sucked on about three different dimensions too. I am pretty sure I was in the last place I was meant to be this weekend. I felt like I was being drawn to three locations of PA while remaining in the purgatory of the US... WASHINGTON DC aka betweensville, aka neither virginia nor maryland, aka law maker landsville, aka capital hill.. aka boredomsville if you are not 21. Now that I think about it, most places are like that. It's moments like this that I have the chance to realize how truly strange I feel. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time period.

Then again if I had been 20 in 1950 I could have had the chance to enjoy not being an alcoholic while not being a jesus freak too. I would have been that qwirky one that never landed a man.. the girl that always made the other girls say "Oh my good ness. You did what?!" and they'd say things like "oh Betsy" (because that would be my nickname in 1950.. not liz.. thats the nickname of a girl in a brothel!! (we'd use that word too). but all the boys would think I wasn't feminine enough because i would have opinions and insist it wasn't my problem if they thought about girls naked if they showed their ankles.

And 1970 just wouldn't do either. I'd fit in with the free spirits and the revolutions and the let's change the world!! ness, and the wearing of dirty clothes and being cheap and simple. But then they'd start talking of free love and free acid trips and I would be like woa woa woa wooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. WOA. My woman parts are not free and I am not going on the "it's a small world" ride from disney world ever again. Not to mention the fact that you guys have been sleeping around and not bathing for a solid month. Can you say aids? They'd be like whats aids. I'd be like.. nevermind, this isn't the right time period at all. No one knows what aids is and they keep trying to give it to me for FREE. cuz if im gonna have me some aids it won't be the free kind. i never settle for less. you groovy BITCHES

And then 1990 would have sucked because their clothes were mega ugly.

And now doesn't work because college kids are selfish alcoholics that can't have fun unless they don't remember having any.


soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo that leaves me with no solution other than to write my papers.

Love Thy Neighbor

I was just reading my daily subscriptions. And I glanced over the date. It said Wednesday February 25 and I was like "how did they do that!? It's Tuesday."

And then I was like !oh SNAP! it is Wednesday, and that is how they did it.

I keep losing electronics. Yesterday my phone hid in the couch for a day, and I tried to answer my TV remote. I was like I KNOW I feel it vibrating beneath me somewhere. And it wasn't in any of my pockets. So yeah of course I felt a square plastic object and tried to answer it. My remote was like WATCHU DOIN TA ME FOO. My remote is so gangsta. What, isn't yours?

I read a CRAZY article yesterday. It's pretty relevant to all yall ladies out there. Especially you college attending ones. I think we all live in a fantasy world sometimes, here in college. Thinking that people who need help are in a third world country. Everyone thinks they're gonna change the world. Well maybe that's just the community I've emersed myself in (future social workers). But look in your freaking front yard. The person right next to you (more often than not) is crying inside behind their smile. Because what should we be doing before we graduate and go be idealistic but probably get burned out from our crappy salary? Do what we can, where we can.

Let's Be Honest With Ourselves Here..

I am not very good at keeping up with my blog. I know. I will write every five seconds for a week and then disappear for several years. And by years I actually mean weeks and by a week I actually mean a day or so. Why not just say that in the first place you may ask? Well mostly I wanted to anger you, theoretical blogging fan. It makes sense, you are my only fan, so why not drive you away?! I guess I haven't written much because I haven't felt like my kooky self. Things suck lately and I am trying not to be too terribly honest about it. But given that my boyfriend and brother are the only two people who pass by here I don't think its too emotionally whore-ish of me to admit to on a public posting device. I just feel like saying something outrageous with lots of swears and bad words. Stuff like THE FUCK WORD. Yeah I just said that. I think I got that out of my system. I should probably go back to writing my critical review on "Mothers on the Fast Track." Though I am neither a mother, nor fast and track-ish... I must still endure and write eight bullsh-- I mean pages about it. So giveN that its a book about everything I am not. And I've got nothin to learn from others................ I am prob gonna go burn it now.
HOWBOUTTHAT?

Cake Decorations of 2008

My Socks Never Match

SO what else does this say about me? I have two conflicting sides? Two personalities? Many colors? One foot like bugs bunny, one plain white? Can't dress myself? Get dressed in the dark? Just don't care? Nothing at all? Well I thought it made a good metaphor. For all of the above are true.

Two conflicting sides, two personalities... well don't we all? We have us, at our best and us at our worst. Our best takes the most effort, but the worst is always using the most effort to knock out the best. Sometimes I feel as though I am a war zone.

Many colors... I like to think of myself as a colorful person. Eccentric, random, with much variety? Yes I would like to think so.

One foot like bugs bunny- My left foot. One plain white- My right foot. My right foot is not my dominant despite being right handed. It is always being injured and sore. And it doesn't fit into shoes right. My left foot is on FIRE. It could take me anywhere and it always fits into shoes. Especially the cute ones that really don't seem to be made for feet but they're beautiful anyway and I try to shove them on my unwilling feet all the same.

And I am the only one with an 8AM so I get dressed in the dark because I don't want to be a jerk and turn on the light in the middle of the night. And I really don't care what I grab for in the darkness and put on, even its a chicken suit (boy was THAT embarrassing).

The end

Eggs

Everytime I eat eggs it reminds me of this time I was really sick in 2nd Grade. I still really like eggs though.

Disk Diss

I got weaseled into being the membership coordinater for my honor society. When it came time for my adviser to pass off the information for it she handed me a floppy disk. A floppy disk??? Why don't you find me a computer that will open this first, then we'll talk.


Oh and the only computer you will find will be on the side of the road because someone threw it out because it is useless. My bad, you could actually gut the moniter and make a very indie-scene lookin weird piece of furniture fish tank. I think we should know by now that if we're spelling the word disk with a 'k' there's trouble on the horizon. I mean cmon is it not bad enough that my poor effing computer is now being held together with duct tape? She had to shame me further by handing me a floppy disk. In the computer world this is a hip teen who is prom queen and everyone wants to be friends with. K this is my computer. It's like she was making a jab. Here put this in you old ass computer!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAIMHILARIOUS. Even my grandpa machine laughed at the floppy disk. It was like "Are you crazy? I don't even have a place for you to put that. But try to put it in the disc drive because it would be hilaroius when you got it stuck in there and I broke for the third time this school year. Seriously do that. *falls asleep again*" And then a helpful wizard pops up to aid this process.



What I should have done was put it on my head and said "Thanks for the hat" because it is better use as that then portable information. She is also kind of mean. That's why I am being so harsh. That and I'm a terrible person. Thanks for reading.













disk.

Sundays are lame

Pwaul wrote something that reminded me we're related

I'm exactly the same way. If someone asks me to go wash their car for them I feel like a jerk telling them I am on my way to work. In the meantime they let me feel like one. Your friends are right. It's all about confidence. You have to be okay with feeling the way you do, and self-assured enough to tell people about it. When in doubt, speak your truth. And don't worry about the rest. If someone genuinely has a problem with you not wanting to be a floor mat, what good are they to you? There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to give to others... but know that it will almost always inevitably cause people to use it as opportunity.

For instance, where I work (in a placement home for juvenile delinquent and abused young teenage girls) if I for one second let my guard down and show them pity they take advantage of me. They will make up a crazy story to make me feel bad for them so they can get out of a chore. They know that people feel bad for them, and they don't seem to take to heart how much value there is to find in a person that cares because they have never had that feeling before. But either way, it doesn't do them any good for me to pity them. And it doesn't do anyone else any good for you to let others walk all over you. Not for the person that is doing it, and not for you. If you stand your ground and make them see how ridiculous their request feels to you, chances are they will start trying to do you favors to make up for it.

8 AMs

The worst thing INVENTED. They should be illegal. I am pretty sure my professor even said "This is too early for me. And I'm retired." Yeah you know what happened? The last required class of my major had a 4:15 section that freaking canceled a day before last semester ended, so they moved 80 people to the 8 AM section. And of course, this being my second to last legitimate class schedule... I had no other choice. So they pulled this teacher FROM THE GRAVE and made him teach IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

I tried to do the real college thing for the first time ever. Rolled out of bed and threw on stretch pants and a sweatshirt. Didn't even brush my hair. I feel like a creature right now. I have two more classes that must witness me like this. I think I might be slightly OCD because it feels like a waste to make myself look presentable if I have already gone out in public. It's like.. they already know. I am not foolin anyone by acting like I have looked decent all day long. As soon as I step outside someone's gonna walk by and yell "I AM IN YOUR 8 AM THAT WAS NOT WHAT YOU WERE WEARING." And I will, defenselessly (for what defense is there?) go back to my apartment, roll in some dirt, and put my lazy outfit back on, thus restoring my creature state.

I like to draw

When in Rome

I can't decide if I should go to Rome this summer or not. I was hoping someone out there would give me a reason that would put me over the edge of this fence I've been perched on for some time. Here's what you need to know.

1. It's 7 weeks.

2. It's $10,000. Not including the grants and loans I get for a usual semester so this total could potentially change if I can get any scholarships. (So p.s. if anyone knows of some good scholarships out there let me know!)

3. It is during my 21st birthday. Oh sadness. I can't even indulge in the forbidden fruits of America. The enjoyment of my 21st birthday will be severely downplayed by the already lax attitude that Europeans have towards alcohol. It will be like if I have never seen a bean. Well okay I have seen them but I have never been allowed to see them... if you know.. what I mean... or perhaps use them in my cooking??? THEN I go to bean country. And I am like YOU GUYS HAVE BEEEEAAAAANNNSSS?!?!?!!??!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? They're like. Yeah. Dumbass. It's bean country. Happy Birthday, stupid. Except they say it in Italian. WHICH I SPEAK because all Italian is, is English wth an 'A' on the end of everything!!! I am speaking with such ignorance, that I am practically an American student in Europe already! I can just hear the voices of my previous travel group.

"I hate the food they make us. Let's find a Pizza Hut. In Spain. Cuz that makes sense."
"YEAH"
"I hate the showers we have to use. They're small. Their need to conserve water in Spain does not support my vanity."
"YEAH"
"These Spanish people don't speak English very well. It almost sound like another language. Kind of like... Spanish. I don't know how to speak that language!!! I hate them"
"YEAH!"

It just won't be as exciting a 21st birthday. It will be more like.. just another day in Italy. Okay I can't believe I just used that as a downside. Just another day in Italy? That's way better than just another day in Amish country in the middle of the summer where my life couldn't possibly contribute to society any less, working for a temp agency that serves rich bastards their food. It's almost like I am telling and not asking at this point, huh. Sorry I will stop.

4. I'll be living independently in an apartment with other students from my school. We cook for ourselves and manage our own schedules. We even have the ability to do our own traveling on weekends.
"What do you wanna do this weekend?"
"I was thinking Berlin?"
"Yeah okay."
Porn will be bought. Just cuz. When in Berlin.

5. I don't need any of the credits I'll be receiving. Then again, this didn't stop me from going to Spain so I don't know why I care all of a sudden. The time will be spent learning about Italian families and cultures. And I should let the price that Academia has put on learning keep me from enjoying learning for its own sake.

6. There will be wifi this time. For FREEz. Unlike Spain, where I couldn't really communicate with anyone.. and going to Europe was more like not existing for a month... I will actually be able to keep in touch with people. And bring my laptop. This could make all the difference.

7. I won't have a rude host mom to deal with. Or a smelly dog named Arazmus.

8. Do I need more reasons?

9. I guess the pros outweigh the cons, huh?

10. Let me know what I am too afraid to admit. Kthanksz.

Leroy

I see a lazy man on a couch eating potato chips, watching a sporting event. His name is Leroy. I have chosen this name because it is a combination of ugly and hilarious. His wife, whom he hasn't spoken to much lately, walks by. She looks at him sadly, suitcase in hand, and tells him she's leaving. He knows he doesn't want her to go but he doesn't know how to make her stay. He thinks to himself... "If it's meant to, it will work out."

OMGNO. I swear this is the place that horrid wretched phrase came about. This man right here. I can't think of where else it could have come from. We have power over our circumstance.. and there is even more power in that realization alone. It is far more than we give ourselves credit for. Too much have I left to fate.. too much have I left to chance. "If it's meant to happen it will" feels good to say because it is just altogether lazy. It divorces us from our situation and leaves it in the hands of the universe (bad idea). I think I'd rather have a tight grip on it than feel it slipping through my fingers until I can't even feel it anymore.

If you are making it happen, and you see it happen, then it will happen because it's definitely happening and you're making it happen so there's really no question. How much more simple can it get? How arrogant are we to believe that the spirit of fate will make our car start with a dead battery as one more child dies of aids? I guess fate skips that part of the world. Time to get off the couch.

Of course it's never that easy is it? As soon as we realize we can make things happen for ourselvs... we start to do just that. I always catch myself in these downward spirals of "If I just do this..." Find the right job. The right friend. The right style. The right foods. The right community organization. If I do that I'll start to feel like I wasn't raised on Mars. I won't get sad or disappointed. I will feel like there is a plan to my existence.. a reason for my very being. But my God... this just is not so. A friend said to me, "Happiness is now." How much simpler does it get?

Life is just one heap of trouble, pain, inconveniences, stabs in the back, decisions, mistakes, disappointments, confusion, high expectations, low outcomes... and how the list goes on. Are we not just lucky that if for some strange 5 second period, we are smiling? If for 5 minutes out of the week we are laughing from our soul... and not just doing it to feel like we belong in the situation... if for 20 seconds in one day we feel like we belong somewhere? Anywhere?

The library. Studying our favorite topic- knowing that we were made to do something that not everyone we meet could do. To catch a glimpse- a picture of who we could be. To be more than we have discovered yet.

In someone's arms. Knowing that we are loved to a degree that we don't have to worry that we will be left. And I won't say "even if it's just your mom..." ESPECIALLY if it's your mom!

By ourselves with the freedom of knowing we are comfortable in our own skin.

In a town we could give someone directions through with our eyes closed and a sock in our mouth.

....I believe that any amount of time that we feel like we belong somewhere is the most happiness a human can feel. So if for 2 seconds in the next hour this feeling comes, then it is well worth the wait of a week... a month... a year..... or a bad situation that felt like it would never end.

Do not surrender to life, because it will not surrender to you. Don't think for one instant that the rain will stop being a problem just because you bought an umbrella. Because soon after the wind will gust by and break it and you'll have two problems instead of one. And then you'll wish you would have enjoyed that moment you had a working umbrella instead of a piece of fabric wrapped around a stick. And then you'll wish you would have sat in the passing sunshine that came and went in 30 seconds instead of saying to yourself "Why can't the sun just stay out?"Make life the best it can be.. why? Because you can.

And as for you, Leroy: go get your wife before she finds an even lazier man with an even less attractive first name!

So this is the New Year...

The following is a list of things that I am bringing into the New Year

1. A few days ago my computer, with a newly purchased giant hard drive, decided to laugh in my face. Well I shouldn't say my computer really. Specifically it was my computer hinge. Yeah it like exploded. My Dad just looked at it and said, "How did this even happen?" God only knows. It's not even like I was carrying it around by the hinge or something. I was just like you know sitting there using the computer, as I assume the people who made it thought I would do... and it was like IMABREAKRIGHTNOWZZZ. So yeah, number one of the items I am going into the new year with is a new hinge constructed from a strip of duct tape on either side of my computer. New hard drive: $90. Roll of duct tape: $3. Knowing that you can overcome a minor mechanical break if you have absolutely no shame: Priceless.

2. That last sentence is actually number 2. I just realized that other day that I really honestly don't give a damn how other people see me. It felt sooooooooooooo good. I was like... YEAH.. I am just what I am and I don't have to worry about the rest. It was like, the most freeing thing I have ever thought. Unless what I am is like a murderer or someone that runs around making random animal noises in public. But fortunately I'm not. That's right. All I run around screaming is a silent cry of AWESOMENESS from my very being!!!!! (Boy it is hard to convey sarcasm in writing).

3. I just figured out and accepted that I LOVE BEING ALONE and I am okay with this. WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE BLOGGING. (just kidding again). But really. I used to feel bad about it. I used to be like. Man. Everyone else is at a party. I am doing a puzzle. Man. I am doing a craft. Man. shouldn't I want to go party?? But now I am like... um no. I am doing a craft, or a starcraft (thats for you Pwaul), and you know what that's what I wanna be doing chumpsters. And if I feel like getting exhausted by large groups of people, by golly I'm gonna go power up over a charming puppy and kitty scene in puzzle form. And I am gonna say by golly if I wanna.

5. T shirt clothes. Omg. So Keren, the smartest person ever, bought me the perfect Christmas gift. Which is "108 Ways to Transform a Tshirt." Believe it or not my friends, there are that many things you can do with a few old Tshirts, scissors, and a needle and thread. Incredible. I already made a skirt. And don't judge it til you rock it.

4. Honesty. An old friend that I said farewell to for a time, but have now reconciled with. I've always been the worst liar like ever. But I went through this weird phase last semester where I thought maybe I shouldn't be so honest all the time, esspecially when people don't really want the truth. This idea all but turned me into a bland-please-everyone-cookie-cutter-girl. THANK GOD I figured this out before it was too late. I just pushed a couch in fronta THAT train. Phew.

5. Applesauce. I never knew how much I liked it. It's so cheap and easy too. And it's fruit. Perfect.


This concludes my list of items to carry through 2009. And as for all you phantom readers, I'd love to hear about yours too. Like for instance, an imaginary fan of my blog might have the resolution of "I hope to actually exist so that Elizabeth can have a blog fan." Just simple things like that.

The good old days

I just hit my knee on this desk, coming out of a spin around to get up and let the dog back inside. Just as I have done multiple times this week, just as I have done multiple times over these many many years of living in this house. I've been feeling so nostalgic lately. It's hard not to during the Holidays. I was thinking the other day, that I might physically die if my parents ever sold this house. My house. I have never lived in any other. What would I do if I were to see someone elses clothes and clutter strewn on the floor of my bedroom, with pictures of people I have never met, atop shelves that I have never seen. My parents are always threatening to sell this house and move to the beach. They always say they're just joking, followed up by the fact that there isn't enough money on the ZC estate to cover that anyway.

Why does nostalgia bring pain? Why does it hurt to remember being so little that you had to be carried around on someone's shoulder? I think back to eating mac and cheese at a tiny kid sized table in the tv room with my brother. I remember watching my dad build a fire in the woodstove. I remember the time that our dog, Sailor, got stuck in the Christmas tree. We found her underneath it, in a puddle of her own pee. That was hilarious. But still these breif moments of enjoyment I get out of remembering "the good ol days" is followed up by sadness. Perhaps over the fact that I can never return to those days. That I am a hop skip and a jump away from being far away from home for good. Well I don't really know, which is why I ask. Any takers?