Pwaul wrote something that reminded me we're related

I'm exactly the same way. If someone asks me to go wash their car for them I feel like a jerk telling them I am on my way to work. In the meantime they let me feel like one. Your friends are right. It's all about confidence. You have to be okay with feeling the way you do, and self-assured enough to tell people about it. When in doubt, speak your truth. And don't worry about the rest. If someone genuinely has a problem with you not wanting to be a floor mat, what good are they to you? There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to give to others... but know that it will almost always inevitably cause people to use it as opportunity.

For instance, where I work (in a placement home for juvenile delinquent and abused young teenage girls) if I for one second let my guard down and show them pity they take advantage of me. They will make up a crazy story to make me feel bad for them so they can get out of a chore. They know that people feel bad for them, and they don't seem to take to heart how much value there is to find in a person that cares because they have never had that feeling before. But either way, it doesn't do them any good for me to pity them. And it doesn't do anyone else any good for you to let others walk all over you. Not for the person that is doing it, and not for you. If you stand your ground and make them see how ridiculous their request feels to you, chances are they will start trying to do you favors to make up for it.

8 AMs

The worst thing INVENTED. They should be illegal. I am pretty sure my professor even said "This is too early for me. And I'm retired." Yeah you know what happened? The last required class of my major had a 4:15 section that freaking canceled a day before last semester ended, so they moved 80 people to the 8 AM section. And of course, this being my second to last legitimate class schedule... I had no other choice. So they pulled this teacher FROM THE GRAVE and made him teach IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

I tried to do the real college thing for the first time ever. Rolled out of bed and threw on stretch pants and a sweatshirt. Didn't even brush my hair. I feel like a creature right now. I have two more classes that must witness me like this. I think I might be slightly OCD because it feels like a waste to make myself look presentable if I have already gone out in public. It's like.. they already know. I am not foolin anyone by acting like I have looked decent all day long. As soon as I step outside someone's gonna walk by and yell "I AM IN YOUR 8 AM THAT WAS NOT WHAT YOU WERE WEARING." And I will, defenselessly (for what defense is there?) go back to my apartment, roll in some dirt, and put my lazy outfit back on, thus restoring my creature state.

I like to draw

When in Rome

I can't decide if I should go to Rome this summer or not. I was hoping someone out there would give me a reason that would put me over the edge of this fence I've been perched on for some time. Here's what you need to know.

1. It's 7 weeks.

2. It's $10,000. Not including the grants and loans I get for a usual semester so this total could potentially change if I can get any scholarships. (So p.s. if anyone knows of some good scholarships out there let me know!)

3. It is during my 21st birthday. Oh sadness. I can't even indulge in the forbidden fruits of America. The enjoyment of my 21st birthday will be severely downplayed by the already lax attitude that Europeans have towards alcohol. It will be like if I have never seen a bean. Well okay I have seen them but I have never been allowed to see them... if you know.. what I mean... or perhaps use them in my cooking??? THEN I go to bean country. And I am like YOU GUYS HAVE BEEEEAAAAANNNSSS?!?!?!!??!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? They're like. Yeah. Dumbass. It's bean country. Happy Birthday, stupid. Except they say it in Italian. WHICH I SPEAK because all Italian is, is English wth an 'A' on the end of everything!!! I am speaking with such ignorance, that I am practically an American student in Europe already! I can just hear the voices of my previous travel group.

"I hate the food they make us. Let's find a Pizza Hut. In Spain. Cuz that makes sense."
"YEAH"
"I hate the showers we have to use. They're small. Their need to conserve water in Spain does not support my vanity."
"YEAH"
"These Spanish people don't speak English very well. It almost sound like another language. Kind of like... Spanish. I don't know how to speak that language!!! I hate them"
"YEAH!"

It just won't be as exciting a 21st birthday. It will be more like.. just another day in Italy. Okay I can't believe I just used that as a downside. Just another day in Italy? That's way better than just another day in Amish country in the middle of the summer where my life couldn't possibly contribute to society any less, working for a temp agency that serves rich bastards their food. It's almost like I am telling and not asking at this point, huh. Sorry I will stop.

4. I'll be living independently in an apartment with other students from my school. We cook for ourselves and manage our own schedules. We even have the ability to do our own traveling on weekends.
"What do you wanna do this weekend?"
"I was thinking Berlin?"
"Yeah okay."
Porn will be bought. Just cuz. When in Berlin.

5. I don't need any of the credits I'll be receiving. Then again, this didn't stop me from going to Spain so I don't know why I care all of a sudden. The time will be spent learning about Italian families and cultures. And I should let the price that Academia has put on learning keep me from enjoying learning for its own sake.

6. There will be wifi this time. For FREEz. Unlike Spain, where I couldn't really communicate with anyone.. and going to Europe was more like not existing for a month... I will actually be able to keep in touch with people. And bring my laptop. This could make all the difference.

7. I won't have a rude host mom to deal with. Or a smelly dog named Arazmus.

8. Do I need more reasons?

9. I guess the pros outweigh the cons, huh?

10. Let me know what I am too afraid to admit. Kthanksz.

Leroy

I see a lazy man on a couch eating potato chips, watching a sporting event. His name is Leroy. I have chosen this name because it is a combination of ugly and hilarious. His wife, whom he hasn't spoken to much lately, walks by. She looks at him sadly, suitcase in hand, and tells him she's leaving. He knows he doesn't want her to go but he doesn't know how to make her stay. He thinks to himself... "If it's meant to, it will work out."

OMGNO. I swear this is the place that horrid wretched phrase came about. This man right here. I can't think of where else it could have come from. We have power over our circumstance.. and there is even more power in that realization alone. It is far more than we give ourselves credit for. Too much have I left to fate.. too much have I left to chance. "If it's meant to happen it will" feels good to say because it is just altogether lazy. It divorces us from our situation and leaves it in the hands of the universe (bad idea). I think I'd rather have a tight grip on it than feel it slipping through my fingers until I can't even feel it anymore.

If you are making it happen, and you see it happen, then it will happen because it's definitely happening and you're making it happen so there's really no question. How much more simple can it get? How arrogant are we to believe that the spirit of fate will make our car start with a dead battery as one more child dies of aids? I guess fate skips that part of the world. Time to get off the couch.

Of course it's never that easy is it? As soon as we realize we can make things happen for ourselvs... we start to do just that. I always catch myself in these downward spirals of "If I just do this..." Find the right job. The right friend. The right style. The right foods. The right community organization. If I do that I'll start to feel like I wasn't raised on Mars. I won't get sad or disappointed. I will feel like there is a plan to my existence.. a reason for my very being. But my God... this just is not so. A friend said to me, "Happiness is now." How much simpler does it get?

Life is just one heap of trouble, pain, inconveniences, stabs in the back, decisions, mistakes, disappointments, confusion, high expectations, low outcomes... and how the list goes on. Are we not just lucky that if for some strange 5 second period, we are smiling? If for 5 minutes out of the week we are laughing from our soul... and not just doing it to feel like we belong in the situation... if for 20 seconds in one day we feel like we belong somewhere? Anywhere?

The library. Studying our favorite topic- knowing that we were made to do something that not everyone we meet could do. To catch a glimpse- a picture of who we could be. To be more than we have discovered yet.

In someone's arms. Knowing that we are loved to a degree that we don't have to worry that we will be left. And I won't say "even if it's just your mom..." ESPECIALLY if it's your mom!

By ourselves with the freedom of knowing we are comfortable in our own skin.

In a town we could give someone directions through with our eyes closed and a sock in our mouth.

....I believe that any amount of time that we feel like we belong somewhere is the most happiness a human can feel. So if for 2 seconds in the next hour this feeling comes, then it is well worth the wait of a week... a month... a year..... or a bad situation that felt like it would never end.

Do not surrender to life, because it will not surrender to you. Don't think for one instant that the rain will stop being a problem just because you bought an umbrella. Because soon after the wind will gust by and break it and you'll have two problems instead of one. And then you'll wish you would have enjoyed that moment you had a working umbrella instead of a piece of fabric wrapped around a stick. And then you'll wish you would have sat in the passing sunshine that came and went in 30 seconds instead of saying to yourself "Why can't the sun just stay out?"Make life the best it can be.. why? Because you can.

And as for you, Leroy: go get your wife before she finds an even lazier man with an even less attractive first name!

So this is the New Year...

The following is a list of things that I am bringing into the New Year

1. A few days ago my computer, with a newly purchased giant hard drive, decided to laugh in my face. Well I shouldn't say my computer really. Specifically it was my computer hinge. Yeah it like exploded. My Dad just looked at it and said, "How did this even happen?" God only knows. It's not even like I was carrying it around by the hinge or something. I was just like you know sitting there using the computer, as I assume the people who made it thought I would do... and it was like IMABREAKRIGHTNOWZZZ. So yeah, number one of the items I am going into the new year with is a new hinge constructed from a strip of duct tape on either side of my computer. New hard drive: $90. Roll of duct tape: $3. Knowing that you can overcome a minor mechanical break if you have absolutely no shame: Priceless.

2. That last sentence is actually number 2. I just realized that other day that I really honestly don't give a damn how other people see me. It felt sooooooooooooo good. I was like... YEAH.. I am just what I am and I don't have to worry about the rest. It was like, the most freeing thing I have ever thought. Unless what I am is like a murderer or someone that runs around making random animal noises in public. But fortunately I'm not. That's right. All I run around screaming is a silent cry of AWESOMENESS from my very being!!!!! (Boy it is hard to convey sarcasm in writing).

3. I just figured out and accepted that I LOVE BEING ALONE and I am okay with this. WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE BLOGGING. (just kidding again). But really. I used to feel bad about it. I used to be like. Man. Everyone else is at a party. I am doing a puzzle. Man. I am doing a craft. Man. shouldn't I want to go party?? But now I am like... um no. I am doing a craft, or a starcraft (thats for you Pwaul), and you know what that's what I wanna be doing chumpsters. And if I feel like getting exhausted by large groups of people, by golly I'm gonna go power up over a charming puppy and kitty scene in puzzle form. And I am gonna say by golly if I wanna.

5. T shirt clothes. Omg. So Keren, the smartest person ever, bought me the perfect Christmas gift. Which is "108 Ways to Transform a Tshirt." Believe it or not my friends, there are that many things you can do with a few old Tshirts, scissors, and a needle and thread. Incredible. I already made a skirt. And don't judge it til you rock it.

4. Honesty. An old friend that I said farewell to for a time, but have now reconciled with. I've always been the worst liar like ever. But I went through this weird phase last semester where I thought maybe I shouldn't be so honest all the time, esspecially when people don't really want the truth. This idea all but turned me into a bland-please-everyone-cookie-cutter-girl. THANK GOD I figured this out before it was too late. I just pushed a couch in fronta THAT train. Phew.

5. Applesauce. I never knew how much I liked it. It's so cheap and easy too. And it's fruit. Perfect.


This concludes my list of items to carry through 2009. And as for all you phantom readers, I'd love to hear about yours too. Like for instance, an imaginary fan of my blog might have the resolution of "I hope to actually exist so that Elizabeth can have a blog fan." Just simple things like that.

The good old days

I just hit my knee on this desk, coming out of a spin around to get up and let the dog back inside. Just as I have done multiple times this week, just as I have done multiple times over these many many years of living in this house. I've been feeling so nostalgic lately. It's hard not to during the Holidays. I was thinking the other day, that I might physically die if my parents ever sold this house. My house. I have never lived in any other. What would I do if I were to see someone elses clothes and clutter strewn on the floor of my bedroom, with pictures of people I have never met, atop shelves that I have never seen. My parents are always threatening to sell this house and move to the beach. They always say they're just joking, followed up by the fact that there isn't enough money on the ZC estate to cover that anyway.

Why does nostalgia bring pain? Why does it hurt to remember being so little that you had to be carried around on someone's shoulder? I think back to eating mac and cheese at a tiny kid sized table in the tv room with my brother. I remember watching my dad build a fire in the woodstove. I remember the time that our dog, Sailor, got stuck in the Christmas tree. We found her underneath it, in a puddle of her own pee. That was hilarious. But still these breif moments of enjoyment I get out of remembering "the good ol days" is followed up by sadness. Perhaps over the fact that I can never return to those days. That I am a hop skip and a jump away from being far away from home for good. Well I don't really know, which is why I ask. Any takers?